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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Then, outta nowhere, my buddy János shows up. He’s got this wild idea to race me. A tractor race? Seriously? I’m like, “Dude, we’re not in a Fast and Furious movie.” But he’s all pumped, so I’m like, “Fine, let’s do this!” We line up on the edge of the field, and I’m thinkin’, “This is gonna be a disaster.”

Powerlifting competition helps support BARCS in memory of officer Amy Caprio